


this dawn monologue

by mochasweets



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 20:46:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7948462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochasweets/pseuds/mochasweets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>for the first time in a while, zayn allows himself to crumble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this dawn monologue

By the time Riceball entered his room, Zayn has been sitting on his bay window for at least forty minutes. It’s past two am, and the downpour has just stopped a while ago. Wrapped up in his old, cozy sweater, Zayn curls up into himself, staring at the pitch black sky outside, trying to find a star only to come up with none. The white cat hops on to the empty space across from him, gentle purrs reminds Zayn that she exists. But the neighborhood is quiet, forcing him to drown deeper into his thoughts.

It’s been months since he saw Liam at their high school event – hair longer than the last time they met, and he’s not alone anymore. There were cream colored arms wrapped around one of Liam’s, dark brunette curls framed such delicate face, the girl threw Zayn a smile as she offered her hand. “Kalila,” she said.

They met in sophomore year when they were still in uni, Liam and Kalila. Zayn doesn’t need to be an expert at math to figure out they had lasted more than two years. For someone like Liam, that’s quite an achievement, and Zayn tried very hard to pretend that it didn’t leave bitter taste in his mouth. Zayn supposes, it’s only a matter of time before he’d receive a post, a card with their names written in elegant swirls and golden ink.

The remaining coffee in Zayn’s mug has gone cold for God knows how long. Zayn feels his heart’s already pounding faster against his chest, faint headache slowly crawling in. Zayn and caffeine are never in good terms, but in times like this where he feels like torturing himself, it’s just like saying hello to an old friend.

Zayn chances a glance to his cat. Riceball folds herself into a ball, cuddling close to Zayn’s cold feet, sharing her warmth. With a tentative hand, Zayn touches her head before bringing his hand to run across her body, repeating the motion absentmindedly. Her fur is soft against Zayn’s calloused hand, like cottons. A little bit of beautiful thing the universe lets Zayn to have in his life.

For the first time in a while, Zayn allows himself to crumble.

Clutching his mug in one hand, while his other hand forms a loose fist on Riceball’s fur, Zayn buries his face between his chest and his knees. One lone tear soon followed by another, and another, and another. His shoulders shook as they ease the burdens out. Downpour falls again on his face as all demons running into him like an ambush; memories, longing, lost hopes.

Loving someone shouldn’t be this painful.

Yes, it shouldn’t be. But Zayn is just that kind of person who really doesn’t know when to walk away.

Zayn has been in love with Liam since they became friends at high school. There’s a pull that Zayn never felt with anybody else, a pull that makes Zayn think of future and shared laughter. Zayn thought he had hope, harboring his crush on the other man for the whole four years, while Liam stayed oblivious to what was happening, changing girlfriend after girlfriend and a few boyfriends in between. Breaking Zayn’s heart over and over again.

There’s a pile of paper in one of Zayn’s folders, written poems for Liam, and some drawings Zayn made in his spare time. Zayn gave all of them to Liam after saying his true feelings out loud, asking Liam to be with him and please, to give him a chance. Liam had said he needed a few moments and bringing the folder with him, only to come back the next day to return it and let Zayn down with a hug.

If there’s one thing Zayn wants to know, it’s why the universe decided to make their paths crossed each other. If there’s one thing Zayn needs to know, it’s whether he’s supposed to be the one who’s hurt in any scenarios that exist.

He puts his mug aside, wiping the tears with the back of his hand. He gathers Riceball into his arms, her weight brings him back to Earth from whatever hell he’s forced himself into.

As much as he wants to take this lightly, as much as he doesn’t want it to be like this, Zayn always knows he won’t be whole anymore. He feels like his mother’s clay rabbit that he knocked over when he was eight years old. The one that his father fixed and called “good as new” only to entertain anyone but the rabbit itself.

With a heavy sigh, Zayn looks back up to the sky, a vast meadow of darkness, grey clouds pushed rapidly by the wind. While below, the street is illuminated by yellow, somber lights, so much like farewell to any wishful thinking. The bricks on the road remind him of the harsh edges that is reality.

Zayn feels someone from somewhere far inside of himself writhing. He prays: may sadness treats both of his eyes well.


End file.
